So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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