Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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