My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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