I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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