God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
