the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
