I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
