There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
