puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
