then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
