I only kidnapped one of them. chill
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize