i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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