I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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