If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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