So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
