im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
