i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
