note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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