it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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