Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
