Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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