Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
