Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
