When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
