Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
