Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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