My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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