My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I stole a fireplace last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
