OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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