It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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