Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
