Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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