i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
