can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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