OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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