Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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