He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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