Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
