I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
