well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
