I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
