At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
