I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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