my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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