Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I am naked and annoyed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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