You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
