at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
