What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
