The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
