im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
