I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pants are for mortals
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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