I just pynch a tree in the face
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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