You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A+ Viking dick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
