just come out here and I will go home with you...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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