You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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