Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
