On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
