have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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