I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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