i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
