She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
