maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
