Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
