I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
