my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The air was thick with penises
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
