I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
