tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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