woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
