He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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